The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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