forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
