I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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