is wine microwaveable?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
