Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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