Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
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Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
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She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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