Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
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