i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
