the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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