you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
