Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
