I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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