Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm getting married
To pizza
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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