Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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