I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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