I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
