Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
