A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Randomize
