I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
