My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
