Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We don't watch enough power rangers
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
