threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
