Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
