now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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