just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
