Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
