I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
