What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
