Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
