I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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