im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Two words: blizzard sex
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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