i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
