Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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