I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
