I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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