for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The beers last night were like the tears from god
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
