U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
