I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
