I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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