Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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