Whod you bang
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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