I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
