That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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