How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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