No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.