Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.