just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i need some magic done to my vagina
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
