I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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