I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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