If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
