I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
