How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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