He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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