I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
